


Kill Me, Love Me

by ThePinkMug



Category: Gangsta. (Anime & Manga), Original Work
Genre: #GangstaAU, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fanfiction of Fanfiction, Gangsta feat original characters, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Original Character(s), Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-04-12 02:14:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19122514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePinkMug/pseuds/ThePinkMug
Summary: “I mean, it’s weird how five years ago I could have killed myself and nobody would even come looking for my remains, but now I—I can go out for a drink with friends, now I am getting hugs and kisses, and I am not even in pain anymore.That—if it wasn’t for that one minute of kindness you gave me, I wouldn’t even be able to taste half of what I have now. So, thanks for saving my life back then, I guess. Now I am a much better person. Now, I am standing on my own two legs. Rest assured, you can leave things to me.”





	1. part 1

**Author's Note:**

> > The last time I watch/read Gangsta is years ago so this is really for fun and a thoroughly inaccurate depiction of Ergastulum. I need to start reading them again.  
> > The first part of the fic heavily deals with a suicide attempt and self-hatred. It may cause discomfort.  
> > It is a gay fiction  
> > There is mild language and implied recreational drug usage. The original Gangsta dealt with sex and drugs frequently, so is this one.  
> > The characters were originally created by my friend, Hika. This was my interpretation of what could have happened between the two.

A Gangsta AU/Original Character fanfiction

_ Ah, an S/2.  _

I blinked and stared at a man standing a few meters away from me. He would be the perfect plan, the perfect reason for my death. A high-ranked Twilight killing another low-ranked Twilight was not unheard of. It was common, even. Anyway, I won't be able to win against him in a fight. If I can taunt him, I wouldn't have a problem with my plan.

I picked up a pebble from the street. The jagged end felt so rough against my dirty, scaly skin. I aimed and measured our distance. With one swing of a hand, I  hit him on the arm. He immediately tensed up, ready to fight. He didn’t look around--weird, he should be able to deflect it easily if he truly was an S/2 ranked twilight. Unless he’s blind, that is.

“Oi, monster, you wanna fight?” I shouted. 

I could see his eyes glancing in my direction. I hurled another insult, all kind of insult I have endured and stomached throughout my life. I threw another pebble. This time he dodged it perfectly. I saw him looking at me, but his eyes were unfocused. Was he really blind? Then, I have no other option but to come closer and make as much noise as possible. That way he could ‘see’ me, and he could kill me. I pulled a short knife and charged to him.

I did not know how did I do it, honestly. But, the next second I know, I was brawling against him. He yanked me and threw me to the ground like I was a ragdoll. Pain caught me from the back and I cried. It’s fine, it’s gonna be over soon. I got up and tried to punch him, but he caught me by my neck. It hurt. Everything hurt, but that’s alright. It will be over soon. Maybe in the next ten minutes, I will be free.

I gasped for air. I held his hand, but not on his wrist to push him away, but around his fingers to help him crush my airway. That’s nice, that’s nice. It will be over soon. I must have been all smile now.

The grip suddenly loosened. I tried to keep it in place, but he was way stronger than me. I gasped and coughed as the air entered my lung once again. 

“You aren’t a twilight,” he said.

“I am just untagged.” my voice was all hoarse. I was still holding to his hand, “if you are worried about the three laws, I am a twilight.”

He looked at me with an unreadable expression. His brows were knotted for sure, but his eyes were so unfocused, I could not read them. It didn’t matter, anyway. What mattered was that my plan is on the verge of getting ruined. 

“If you want an order from a human, I am somewhat a human. I want you to kill me. I am a twilight, you are allowed to kill a twilight.” I started to get desperate. I reached for my knife and tried to have him hold it. He slapped it away. Goddammit, at least stab me and leave me to die, that’s fine too. Why are you showing me mercy? Are not twilights supposed to be cruel, monstrous, and merciless? Aren't they supposed to be someone born to kill?

“Nii-san, what’s the matter?” a younger boy came to see us. 

“Daisuke, give me a downer.”

“No!” I panicked and tried to prevent him from receiving the medicine but he pushed me down and hold me by my wrists. Tears started streaming down my cheek. I tried kicking but he held my feet down too. I gasped in pain when the man stabbed me on the thigh with the injection.

“No, just kill me, kill me. End me.” I begged as he slowly let go. I pulled his hand and placed it on my throat. Beads of tears traced my cheeks and I couldn’t even speak coherently. “Even if it hurts, it’s okay. Why--why do you waste such an expensive thing on a street rat like me?”

I could feel my consciousness fading away. Their face had started to blur out, and everything else started to darken. I could no longer hold his hand in place. 

“Please just let me go. End me, end this pain, I beg you,” I muttered. Then, I lost my consciousness.

It must have been the longest and the most peaceful sleep I’ve had for my entire life. It was dreamless. I was so used to be plagued with nightmares that I had come to hate sleep. Hell, sleep was never a place to escape for me. I could still see my bruises and heard all the yell and insults in my dream. I still felt pain in my dream. That day, though, I saw nothing. I simply floated in complete darkness. 

When I stirred awake, the first time I see was my left hand. It was completely wrapped in bandages. My fingers were clean, and I could see something damp and shimmer on my bruises. They smelt like those herbal ointments sold in markets. 

Suddenly, the fear caught me on my heart and lungs. I jerked up and looked around. I scrambled to look for the time-- what time was it? Why hadn’t I head anyone yelled at me? Why had nobody dragged me down from the bed yet?

For a second I froze. Ah, right. I was about to kill myself but was too scared to do it on my own. I tried to get another twilight to kill me, but even he took pity on this dirty, filthy street rat. Silly me, stupid me. I should have picked up the remaining courage I have scattered and shattered on the floor to do it myself. Why would he save me, anyway? Nobody would come looking for me even if I died drowning on this city stagnant sewer. Saving me had no merit at all.

I scoffed and looked around. This is definitely not a room I knew of. I was lying down on a sofa, wrapped in a warm blanket. A pillow was nearby, its surface still had the denture on which I must have laid my head. On the table next to me was a glass of water and a piece of bread wrapped in paper. I wanted to drink the water as my throat was so damn dry, but I have learned to not touch anything at all unless it was directly given to me. 

The door creaked open and I tensed up. I began clutching on my blanket. I kept my head straight, but my eyes were frantically trying to see who-- what was coming. It was the same Twilight—the blind S/2 ranked twilight who had taken pity on me. His tag swayed around his chest, the metal plate reflected the golden light streaming in from the dim lamp nearby. The light danced on the edges, but I was too busy biting my lips and clenching on my blanket to appreciate the performance.

He walked up next to my makeshift bed. As his figure grew nearer, thousands of possible scenarios flooded my head. He must be mad, he must be mad. I am gonna be a skewered meat. I am going to be screamed at. He raised his hand. At that very second, I cowered and raised my arms to shield myself. I tried apologizing, but they poured out my mouth in muddled mumbles—dammit, stop shaking!

But the yell never came. I peeked from between my arms. The Twilight simply stood next to the sofa, looking in my direction. He didn’t make any eye contact with me. He didn't seem mad. Even as I stared into him, he gave no reaction.

“I heard you, so I came in to check,” he said. “There’s bread and water. Eat up.”

“I…” ah, now he reacted. It seemed like he was really blind. I asked him, “why didn’t you kill me?”

“I have no reason to,” the man said.

Something stung in my chest. I stared at him, then away. I curled up and buried my face in between my knees. Tears had started streaming down my face, dripping off my chin. I sniffled, and it soon grew into a quiet sobbing. I heard him placing something on the table and left the room.

I cried and cried for at least ten minutes. My chest hurt, my nose hurt. I didn't know what to feel. I was chased out by my own family for being a burden, for being a half-twilight, but someone else I did not even know—someone I tried to agitate into killing me now gave me bread and water. I couldn't understand. Why?

I rubbed my tears away and reached for the water. As it traveled down my throat, it tasted so sweet and so refreshing. I looked at the bread. It looked so tantalizing and sweet, but I didn't feel like eating. I could barf if I eat now, and I didn't want to cause more trouble. So I tore my sights away from the bread and looked around the room I was in instead.

"I must leave," I muttered. They would chase me out again anyway. I must leave. I didn't want to be dumped out again, so I must leave. I stepped down and winced when my bare feet touched the cold wood floor. I tried my best to fold the blanket and made the bed. My arms hurt, my back too.

I decided to take the bread and wrapped it in the hem of my shirt. Maybe it would be my last supper. At least, at the very least, it would be the last good memory I can cling to before I returned to dust.

The man did not come to see, nor he tried to stop me as I pulled their front door open to greet the cold, windy weather outside. I saw his shadow lurking around the corner of the room. He knew. 

"Thank you," I said before leaving. At least I could show him some manner.

I went to stand at the edge of the city's bridge, looking down on the valley dropping in the center of Ergastulum. The city was quiet and empty. It was probably midnight. I could jump, I thought. I could jump and broke my head and nobody would even come to look for my remains. In this world, I was alone and I was unwanted. 

But, I looked down and I saw my hands. One of them was still holding the bread I stole from that blind Twilight and his brother's place, another one was holding on the railing. All the cuts and bruises had been treated. They went through all the trouble to clean me up too—I had never been this fragrant before in my life. Just imagining that made me want to cry again. Was I worthy of all that nice treatment? I wanted to go back there and asked if they would allow me to work there, maybe they would allow me to do just as much. Yet I feared getting kicked out again. I feared that it was just an illusion.

I dropped to sit on the feet of the bridge's railing. I tried eating the bread. It was sweet and tangy, and a little bit salty because I had started crying again. Suddenly I felt like I could go on living. Suddenly I remembered someone once asked me to consider their feelings, to stop being so selfish—and I thought about that. The brothers brought me and treated me. They saved my life. By rights, my life at this moment was given to me, I should not and must not throw it away, right?

I put down the half-eaten bread on my lap and hugged my knee. Ah, I want to see him again. That blind Twilight, I want to see him. He had a really nice black hair and straight jawline. But, am I—am a street rat like I, even allowed to wish for such a nice thing?

I fell asleep sitting down. I guess I was tired of all those fights with my own head. 

When I woke up, someone had covered me with a piece of cloth. I raised my head and watched the brown fabric slid down my shoulder. It was somewhat thin, but guess what, it must have prevented me from dying out of the cold. 

I sat still in silence. I took a bite of the remaining bread, trying to enjoy each and every bit of it even though my mouth tasted so bland. I thought about everything that had happened within the course of a day. I had decided to die yesterday, but the universe seemed to had conspired against it. 

I wrapped myself with the fabric. I covered my head to hide my face. I rose, the half-eaten bread on one hand. Dear stranger, I did not know who you are but, thank you. It was the very thing that made me decided to go on living. I said I wanted to see that blind Twilight again, and I do, but now I wanted to see him  _ and _ return the favor. It may take years, but one day, I will. One day I will stand next to him and we will be equal.

Now let's see. They say the guild and the Cristiano takes care of stray Twilights, right?

 


	2. part 2

The gum balloon popped on my face and decided to get stuck on my nose. I tried licking and pulling them with my tongue, but it was stubbornly stuck. I had to peel it off with my hand. The moment I had it off my face, though, I saw something moving below the building I was perching on.

I returned to my rifle scope and aimed. Below the building were two Twilights, one sporting a double katana, the other-- I couldn’t see any weapon on him. They were waiting on a corner, probably to ambush someone. I was here only to watch the killing, but I brought in a weapon anyway, just in case.

I loosened my grip on the rifle as I stared at the two twilights--no, at one of them as he turned to talk to his partner. A pang of nostalgia caught me in my chest. How many years had it been? Four? Five? I had never seen him again since that night I left their care to contemplate another suicide. I still dreamed about him sometimes. I still cried remembering him and that night, sometimes. Now, too. My eyes were hot. I gulped down a lump in my throat. I was on the verge of tears, but this time it wasn’t out of pain or out of despair. This time it was out of happiness and nostalgia. This time it was out of relief of seeing both of them alive and well.

A black car appeared from the corner of the street. The older of the two twilights calmly stepped out to stand in front of the car, while the younger of the two ambushed from above. Guards poured out--figured that their target was whoever riding the black sedan. I returned to my rifle and aimed. I shot once and the bullet hit one of the brawling twilights straight on his head. I could see the younger of the two siblings tensed up at the sudden attack, but he went on slashing a man right in front of him. The blind Twilight tensed too as he parried someone coming right his way. Some of the men had begun pointing at my direction, so I snatched the gun and left my spot. I shot down two other men, then jumped down to join the fight.

I landed next to the elder of the sibling and kicked one of the guards away. The blind Twilight was about to punch me, but I parried his fist. He pushed, and I have to dodge. Damn, his power was way above mine.

“I’m not an enemy!” I exclaimed through gritted teeth, “I’m here to help, listen.”

I quickly described to him where were his enemy. The younger twilight glanced to us, but upon realizing that I was not after them, he went on after the driver of the car, who was trying to run away.

As soon as I finished describing the situation, the blind Twilight kicked the ground and dashed towards one of the men he was fighting against. He was fast, faster than any other Twilights we had in the guild. The humans clearly stood no chance against him. I told him where to go, and he complied, killing everyone in a single beat. Our enemy could hear me, but they could not catch up to his speed.

The fight was over in less than ten minutes. We were-- I was panting. The blind Twilight did not, so did his younger brother. We were covered in blood, dust, and sweat. I straightened myself and glanced at them, thinking about what to say. Should I say the truth? Did they even remember me at all? The Blind Twilight probably wouldn’t, would he?

The younger Twilight stepped forward and pointed his sword at me. “Who are you,” he asked, “ and why did you help us?”

I stepped back and raised my hand. Ah, it seemed like they didn’t remember me at all. Understandable. It had been at least five years, and I had changed a lot. Plus, our meeting at that time was so brief.

“Oh, easy. My name is Chihiro,” I said. “I am from the Twilights Guild, and I was sent to watch the assassination of the Corsica member you carried.”

The blind Twilight gestured to his brother (I just assumed they’re brothers since they look so alike) to put down his swords. It seemed like he still could see what’s happening, or at least guessed what’s happening.

“He helped me,” the blind Twilight said.

The younger Twilight immediately lowered his swords, then sheathed it. He stared at me in complete distrust. I simply threw him a smile.

“Are you with the Cristiano?” I asked.

“No, we’re mercenaries,” the younger Twilight said, “but we were hired by the Cristiano, indeed.”

“I see. Then, this is sudden, but are you up for a drink? I’d like to ask some question.”

“Nii-san?”

The blind Twilight looked in my direction. Both his hands were shoved deep in his pocket. Now that I see him from up close, I just realized that he’s taller than me. He had quite broad shoulders too, compared to my narrow, thinner ones. Our eyes met for a second, or at least I thought so. Did he recognize me?

“Okay.”

“Great! Follow me, then. I know a great place to relax and talk,” I chimed and gestured to them to follow me.

I bought them drinks and we talked on hours end. They really were sibling, and the blind elder brother, uncaring as he may look, was doting on his younger brother. He was also partially blind, meaning he could see some shapes and things, but they were extremely limited. He depended on sounds and touch to navigate the world. His sights were limited to some movements, basic shapes, and colors. By my offer, he touched my face to see me. His fingers and palm felt warm against my cheek.

Maybe I was being over patronizing, or maybe I was being dramatic about him being blind, but at that time, I really wanted to protect this man, even though he was practically ten times more powerful than I am. Maybe it was also partly due to our history—my history.

I ended up touching his hand quite a lot in my attempt to talk with him. I know it would make me look weird. Disgusting, even. Everyone had told me I am too feminine for a man. As much as I swear and I brawl, I am still too feminine, and I know it. By this time I have wholly accepted that I don't have the much coveted straight, strong jawlines, that my waist is lean and my skin, pale. I like men, too. I tried having sex with women, but it didn't work—it just didn't feel right to me. Be disgusted at me if they wanted to, I am too used to it to even feel anything about it. I will live by own rules and love in my own law. In the twenty years plus of my life, in that one night, and later through the few numbers of friends I managed to make, I learned that love expect no answer and no investment return.

I invited them to think about joining the guild. The siblings were nice people. The younger brother was nice and cute, and although we're quite awkward with each other, I found myself growing fond of him. The blind elder Twilight, though, was just cool to be with. He didn't talk much, but I find him comfortable to be with. Even when the younger brother excused himself for a toilet break, we had no problem talking. I managed to make him smile too.

The walk back home felt so quiet and lonely, even though I walked past one of Ergastulum's busiest street. It wasn't the closest way home, but I decided to take it anyway, just to feel less lonely. What a ridiculous mistake it was because the merriness just made me felt sicker.

The siblings came over to the guild headquarters a few more times. I spent more time with the blind Twilight too. His name was Daichi. It had a nice sound to it, don't you think? Anyway, he trusted me enough to let me guide him around without his younger brother. I still sometimes avoided him out of sheer fear of getting abandoned. I still… have to fake things to mask my fear. Daichi would often coincidentally ask me to go with him for some coffee at this time (we have the same favorite coffee shop we discovered by chance), so I'd go. And then, we'd sit somewhere high in silence. I'd watch the citizen go about their business while he listened to the birds and the buzz of the city. We'd do it if he got into an argument with his younger brother, too. Basically, we did it so often, other people in the guild started asking if we were dating. I merely shrugged my shoulder and went about my business. I didn't know how he handled such question, but I am pretty sure some people who have asked him the same question eventually stopped asking afterward.

Fate brought us to the very street we met for the first time. We just got back from a drink with the other guild members when a sudden rain forced us to take shelter under the awning of a closed storefront. I was rather tipsy—I did had a little bit too much beer—and was floating in between a happy, but melancholic mood. I think Daichi was, too, and the rain did not help with sobering us up.

We sat on the empty bench in front of the store window and watched the rain. It took me a while to recognize the street, but when it did, I thought I was seeing it played out in front of my eyes. I could feel the cobblestones pressing on my back and the sting in my chest. I have never said a word about it. I pretended that we never met before, yet it felt like I was lying to him, to them.

"You know, I have never talked about it, but—" I started. This is perfect timing to talk about it, isn't it? Daichi tilted his head to signify that he's listening, "—but we met once five years ago."

There was no answer, so I went on, "maybe you didn't remember, but I asked you to kill me once. On this street."

"I know."

"Huh?"

"The others in the guild told me," Daichi loosened his crossed hands and leaned back. "I remember you. Daisuke remembered you too."

"Oh—" Heat crept up my cheek. So they knew all along. I thought they wouldn't even care about it.

"Were you trying to kill yourself, or were you just being crazy?"

"I… tried to kill myself. Yeah, I decided to die."

"I see."

Silence slipped between us. Strange. I thought I would cry if I ever talk about it with the very person I owe my life too. But now it just felt empty. I felt nothing. It was kind of relieving.

"Why?" He asked again.

"I thought I have had enough. I am not a full Twilight, you see, that's why I have no tag. I was a bastard child. My family hated me. They chased me out and I thought it's better to die than to endure more pain."

"Are you crying?"

"No." But, I wiped the single tear threatened to drop off my eyelids. "I was just thinking about how surreal it was."

"Yeah."

“I mean, it’s weird how three years ago I could have killed myself and nobody would even come looking for my remains, but now I—I can go out for a drink with friends, now I am getting hugs and kisses, and I am not even in pain anymore. I mean, I still am sometimes, but it's much better."

"Good for you."

"You're not… disgusted?"

"By what?"

"By the fact that I am the same street rat who tried to get you to kill me. Are you not… disgusted?"

"No. Even back then, I didn't."

I lowered my head. Now I felt like crying for real. It just didn't sink with me, that someone out there didn't think of me as a disgusting piece of rubbish. I thought the world hated me. I thought they were right, that I am useless and unwanted.

"The rain's stopped."

"Let's go." I muttered. I took his hand as how I always do.

The trip back to his place was quieter than usual. The dull, cracking sounds of our shoes tapping against the wet cobblestone echoes off the building walls. The remains of raindrops trickled down the metal beams and brick edges along our way. It was cold. The window at his place was still lit when we reached. It seemed like his younger brother was still up and waiting.

"I'll see you tomorrow, I guess," he said as he turned to climb the steps to his place. "Rest well."

"Yeah—no, wait," Truth was, I couldn't even say good-bye yet.

He turned to look at me. Haha, I must have lost my mind. I must have—drank too much. I stepped closer and caught him by the side of his head. I gave him a short peck on the lips. They were soft. They were warm.

It lasted less than a second, and before he could even say anything, I ran off.

I didn't show up at the guild for three days. It was a cowardly, dick move, I know, but I couldn't help it. The thought of meeting him again after what I did could kill me. I thought that our friendship was over, too. I crossed the boundary, and once you do that, that was it. You made it or you broke it. I was afraid I had broken it beyond repair.

I packed my clothes and rented a motel room for three days. I drank until I barfed, then I paid whores to fuck me for two days. I barely ate. I overdosed on downer and woke up on a dirty bed, just to throw up again. I used to think this could distract me from the pain and all, but now it just felt so wrong. Now it just felt so useless and so stupid. So after two days and a half, I stopped drinking. In the end, I dragged myself home and cooked some soup. At least eating something proper and warm made me feel better. Someone had slipped a note under the door, asking where the hell had I been for the past three days too. I folded the note into a paper crane and placed it on my nightstand. It looked so pretty under the night light.

I popped in a sleeping pill and went to bed. I dreamed of the bar I frequented. I dreamed of the sofa I woke up the night after I tried to kill myself. I dreamed of Daichi—but more importantly, I dreamed of myself laughing happily.

The next day when I showed up at the guild headquarter, Daichi had been waiting with his arms crossed and brows furrowed so deep it would leave a permanent mark one day. I thought I could see fireballs and hot ashes shooting up from his head. That was pure fury. Wrath. Whatever you call it, and I knew this was bound to happen.

He dragged me outside even before I could say anything. We went to get the usual coffee--he knew the way, but I still had to (frantically) warned him of incoming cars and people. My wrist hurt from getting pulled and dragged, but I said nothing. We bought two lattes. He paid for our coffee without even bothered to count properly. That must be the biggest tip the cashier had ever received.

We ended up at our usual place, me looking down the city, him leaning on the railing behind me. I could feel his shoulder on my side. For a few minutes, neither one of us said anything at all.

“Don’t do it again,” he suddenly said.

“I know, I’m… sorry,” I looked down to my half-drunk coffee cup. “I guess I drank too much at that time.”

“Not that.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t suddenly vanish without a word for three days.”

“Ah,” I chuckled. “I’m sorry about that, too. But you could always find Gio or Maria, you know? They do the same job—”

“No. You tried to kill yourself once. There’s no guarantee you won’t do it again.”

I kept quiet.

“We don’t want that to happen. So just fucking say something if you have problems.”

I smiled. Of course, that’s why it felt so wrong. Unlike that time, I had people looking for me, loving me and wanting me around this time.

“Okay,” I said.

“The kiss, though.”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t mind it.”

God, I felt like jumping down and run away again. I needed to hide. I must hide, but there’s no place to hide right now. My face was damn hot too. In the end, I simply raised my knee to hide my face there, away from the Twilight behind me.

“Good… to hear that I guess.” I stuttered.

“Let’s talk in my place,” the blind Twilight suddenly said as he straightened himself, “Daisuke is not gonna be home until tomorrow morning anyway.”

Ah, yes. I have heard this kind of invitation somewhere else. I guess it’s safe to assume where it’s going. I shrugged my shoulder and jumped down to follow him home.


	3. Epilogue

Hi, my name is Daisuke

I am an A-ranked Twilight, and I work in the guild.

I live with my elder brother, who is blind and who is also a Twilight.

Our neighbors are noisy sometimes, but we're used to it.

One day I had a late night job but I returned earlier than I thought I would.

I heard voices and I thought our neighbor was being noisy again.

Until early the next morning, I went to the kitchen and

saw my stoic, emotionally constipated, ever-anxious brother

kissing a man we met three months ago.

_end._

 


End file.
